The Four Communication Patterns that Can Damage a Relationship

Most couples argue. Conflict itself is not necessarily a sign that your relationship is in trouble. What matters is how you communicate when you disagree.

Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman describe four particularly destructive communication patterns as the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism happens when a complaint about a specific problem becomes an attack on your partner’s character. Instead of saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t call,” criticism sounds more like, “You never think about anyone but yourself.”

Contempt adds disrespect or superiority to conflict. Sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, and belittling can all communicate the message: I’m better than you.

Defensiveness often follows criticism. You feel attacked, so you explain, justify, counterattack, or point out what your partner did wrong. Although understandable, defensiveness can prevent either person from feeling heard.

Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally or physically withdraws from the conversation. They may stop responding, walk away, stare at their phone, or simply shut down.

You may recognize one—or several—of these patterns in your relationship. That does not mean your relationship cannot improve. These behaviors are often part of a cycle couples have developed over time, and cycles can change.

Couples therapy can help you recognize what happens between you, understand what is underneath your arguments, and learn healthier ways to communicate and reconnect.

If criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling have become part of your relationship, please reach out for couples therapy.

The Gottman Institute. (2015, September 22). The Gottman institute. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/