Contempt: The Relationship Pattern Couples Should Take Seriously

Some couples argue loudly. Others barely raise their voices. Either relationship can be struggling with one of the most damaging forms of communication: contempt.

Contempt communicates disgust, disrespect, or superiority.

It can sound like:

“You seriously don't know how to do this?”

“Of course you forgot.”

“I have to handle everything because you're incapable of doing anything.”

But contempt does not always require words. An eye roll, smirk, mocking imitation, or dismissive laugh can communicate the same message.

According to Gottman research, contempt is particularly concerning and has been identified as the strongest of the Four Horsemen in predicting relationship dissolution.

Why is it so damaging?

Because underneath contempt is a fundamental change in how partners begin viewing each other. Instead of seeing someone they love who has disappointed or frustrated them, they begin seeing someone fundamentally flawed.

Resentment often builds slowly. A partner may have spent years feeling ignored, unsupported, rejected, or taken for granted. Eventually, those unresolved hurts begin coming out as sarcasm, hostility, or disgust.

The answer isn't simply telling couples to “be nicer.” The underlying resentment also needs attention.

Couples therapy can create a structured place to identify those injuries, communicate them differently, and begin rebuilding respect and emotional connection.

If resentment or contempt has entered your relationship, please reach out for couples therapy.

The Gottman Institute. (2015, September 22). The Gottman institute. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/