Criticism: When a Complaint Starts Feeling Like a Personal Attack

There is an important difference between telling your partner that something is bothering you and telling your partner that something is wrong with them.

That difference is at the heart of criticism, the first of the Gottmans’ Four Horsemen.

Imagine your partner comes home late without calling.

You could say:

“I was worried when I didn’t hear from you. I’d really like you to text me when you’re running late.”

Or you could say:

“You’re so inconsiderate. You never think about me.”

The first addresses a behavior and expresses a need. The second attacks the person.

When criticism becomes common, couples can begin living in a state of anticipation. One person expects to be attacked, while the other feels increasingly frustrated that nothing changes. Conversations that begin over dishes, schedules, money, parenting, or sex quickly turn into arguments about who the other person is.

The alternative is not staying silent or pretending everything is fine. Healthy relationships require people to express disappointment, frustration, and needs.

The goal is to move from “Here is what is wrong with you” to “Here is what happened, how it affected me, and what I need from you.”

That shift sounds simple, but it can be difficult when years of frustration have accumulated.

Couples therapy can help partners slow down these interactions, communicate needs more clearly, and understand the deeper feelings underneath repeated criticism.

If conversations with your partner frequently turn into personal attacks, please reach out for couples therapy.

The Gottman Institute. (2015, September 22). The Gottman institute. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/